The Power of a Song on a Summer Day

from my personal journal on the bus last week

I will never forget the first time I heard "Fix You" by Coldplay. It was the day that my first boyfriend broke up with me. My older sister and I were driving in her car and she said she had a song for me, that she would sing to me through this band. She played it loud - just the way I like it...because I can feel the music resonating in my chest...in my heart.

I remember how the tears came suddenly and I thought my heart would explode.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

When the song finished, we both sat stunned, my face streaked with tears. Chelsea apologized, and said, "I never realized how perfect those words were."

And I don't remember what my response was...but I remember the pain and hope I felt as we drove through Melbourne that day. And I remember agreeing that those lyrics really were perfect.

For a long time, I couldn't listen to that song without crying. But four years later, I hear it and I feel something stronger than the pain I felt that day. I feel hope.

I hear my sister calling out to me, letting me know I am not alone.

I hear the boy who broke my heart telling me I taught him about God.

I remember the nights my friends spent with me showing me how much they loved me.

I remember all the pain and all the mistakes and all of the struggles I've been through in my lifetime.

And I remember the healing.

And I have hope.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

The Great(est) Romance

This past week, I spent about 15 hours on a bus, and I had a lot of time to think. Being (as many of you know) a chronic daydreamer, and absorbed for at least half of my trip in Jane Austen's Pride & Prejudice, I thought a lot about romance.

I am such a hopeless romantic sometimes...it's really kind of ridiculous. My closest friends know how easily I become infatuated with characters like Mr. Darcy, and they often tell me how crazy I can be.

Luckily, God has blessed me with a shyness in this area that has kept me from making a total fool of myself (I hope). But sometimes, I let my heart get carried away in vivid daydreams and find myself disappointed when I realize that they aren't real. I think a lot of girls have this problem.

This was one of those weeks where I was ready to get married and not have to worry about becoming a cat lady anymore. However, I still feel that God wants me to wait a little bit longer. It's kind of hard when you feel like you've been waiting a long enough time, to hear that you still have to wait. I wanted to stomp my feet and complain, but I knew He was right and that whether or not I agreed, I would have to wait.

One thing that I've been struggling with is the intense "need" to be loved intimately. In my head, I have been convinced that this can only be found in the relationship I have with my future husband. I want to be loved! I want to be wooed.

But today I realized that no earthly love can compare to that of my Father in heaven. I had been trying to find this romance in earthly beings who kept disappointing me in some way or other (hello - they're human!) and bumming when things didn't work out. But all this time that I've been yearning to be romanced, the God of the Universe has been leaving me roses! Love itself has been wooing me my entire life!

I have been like the girl in those teen movies who is in love with the football player who doesn't know she exists, while her best friend (who is usually not so bad-looking himself and a total sweetheart) stands by trying to tell her he loves her! When Football Star finally dumps the poor thing, and Best Friend is there to comfort her, she finally realizes that the love she wanted was right there the whole time!

I'm that silly girl...

I've been looking for love from all these football players (or maybe musicians fits me better) while the Guy who created love stands next to me screaming: "I LOVE YOU!"

Wow. I can't believe what I've been missing! And yet, even now I feel a tiny pang of hesitation in letting go of my love life to pursue this divine romance...why? Because it's so much easier to have a physical representation of love that you can hug and kiss and talk to on the phone all night long. But isn't God's love so much more than that? Isn't it so much more intimate and precious?

My prayer these next few months (years? who knows?) is that God would help me to see past the pretend dreamboats- the football players and rock stars- to the real thing...that I would find myself falling head over heels for Him as I experience the Greatest Romance with the most romantic being ever.

FROG - not just a cute amphibian

When I was a kid, one of my favorite acronyms was F.R.O.G.

Fully Rely On God

Mostly at the time I loved it because I loved frogs. It took a while for the point of the acronym to really get me, and even longer for me to get it.

Since I arrived here in July, I have been stretched farther than ever before and learned a lot through this entire process, from orientation to homestay to just being in my city for a week. I knew this was coming, and yet had no idea just how much God was going to teach me while I was here. (and I still have 3 months left to learn and be stretched!) Now I am finally learning what it means to fully rely on God.

Part of this is realizing that I can do nothing without Him. Whether or not I even wake up in the morning depends completely on God. Everything I have He has given to me, including my strengths and weaknesses, my talents and my personality, my body and who I am...and because I am nothing without God, I can do nothing without Him.

This is something that has been extremely difficult for me to understand and accept, both as an American and simply as me. Americans strive to live independently and rely only on themselves. This is our idea of success: someone who doesn't need help from anybody else. And for the longest time this is honestly how I viewed success; the goal that I strove for. But this is not possible! We are human...we need help. We were not created to be independent. We were created to depend on God. And not just when things get tough and we have no other option...all the time. In everything.

God has been trying to get through to me on this for years, but it took sending me halfway across the world and sticking me in the polar opposite of what one would call my "comfort zone" to get me to hear what He was trying to say.

Sure, I was getting better at surrendering when things got tough...and even when things weren't so tough. I was great at praying before every test and audition back home, and somehow I felt okay with that. But when I found out that I was coming to a place that I knew nothing about to learn a language nobody had heard about, I knew it was time to really consider what good old F.R.O.G. stood for. And it's been so rewarding! I had expected to cry myself to sleep for days, to want to stay in bed rather than go out and face nationals, and to think about home so much that it drove me crazy with longing. Now, I have had my share of lows since coming here, but for the most part I have had a great time here! Why? Because I am finally understanding how to rely on my Creator for the strength to get through every day.

Rather than worrying about next month, I am learning to surrender today and do the best I can right now. When I fail, I remember that God is merciful and that next time He will help me to succeed by his strength.

It's important also to remember that though I am nothing without Christ, I can do anything through Him. When I go out and wonder how on earth I am going to find people to practice language with, or I am afraid that I won't know what to say or where to go, I remember that God is with me and He's got it covered. My problems are so huge to me, but so small to Him...so why would I want to deal with them alone? When I rely fully on my God, I know that nothing is impossible. This is what gets me through every high and every low, and the reason that I am able to have joy in the midst of trouble.

Response to Crazy Love Ch. 2

"A man by his sin may waste himself, which is to waste that which on earth is most like God. This is man's greatest tragedy and God's heaviest grief." -A.W. Tozer

If I were to die tonight, what would I regret?

I would regret every time I thought about talking to someone about Christ and chose not to...every morning I slept in instead of spending time with my Creator. Every person I let walk in and out of my life without getting to know them. I would regret the times I let my emotions, feelings, and desires come before God's. And every time I let them keep me from loving Him and loving the people around me.

I would regret all the time I spent planning and day-dreaming, but never getting anything done...each day that went by without God being glorified in my life.

What kind of legacy would I leave behind? Sure, people would say nice things about me at my funeral, but to what degree has the Lord been glorified in my life up to this point?

I don't want to have any regrets about my time here on earth. I don't want to hold myself back or let myself take one second for granted. I want my priorities to be simple and steadfast:

Love God. Love people. Glorify Him in all that I do.

I want Jesus' name declared more than mine at my funeral. I want to risk everything for the sake of furthering His kindgom. I want to live my life to the fullest potential.

I want to be on fire for God and to ignite a righteous, fierce fire in others for Him.

Praise God, because HE is the only one worthy to be praised. He can fill a broken spirit and warm the coldest of hearts. He can lift me up above the clouds, and gives me the strength I need to stand up for His glory.

He has given me everything, though I do not deserve it, and He loves me in spite of my many shortcomings.

Praise be to God, the lover of the lost. AMEN!

Countdown - One month and 22 days

Lately I have really been having a rough time. I don't know what's come over me, but I have become so...short-fused. I think a better way to put it is overly emotional and sensitive.

Satan's really been hitting me hard. BUT...I take comfort in knowing that his attacks can only mean that God's got something crazy-awesome planned for me!

The devotional that the group sent me has been a real encouragement. It's so great to read stories from students my age who are going through the same things that I am. I read this really great testimony today, and the girl's pastor told her something that really hit me:

"God doesn't necessarily call the qualified; He qualifies the called."

That is something I need to keep in mind, because Satan has been bombarding me with fear and insecurity about whether or not I would be a good addition to the team in my city.

I've begun to believe the lie that I'm not good enough...that I don't have anything to offer. But I DO. I am a patient, hard-working, intuitive person with a big heart and a lot of passion. I have my own talents that can be used in amazing ways. And, dagnabbit...God chose me specifically for this project! I am going for a reason! In His eyes, I am the perfect person for the job!

How cool is that?

I am needed in my city. There is something that God needs me to do there, and I am going with all that I have in me!

Passion

Passion.

It is something that I feel is essential to life. It is what wakes people up in the morning, and gets them through the day. It can make you do things you never could have imagined possible. Passion gets things done and it gives purpose to every single moment of every single day.

There are a lot of people I admire so much just because of the passion I see in their lives. Whether it's the guys of Invisible Children fighting to end the war in Uganda or just a teacher who spends an extra hour with me (even though they got five hours of sleep the night before) so that I can do well on a final exam. I want them to understand how much I appreciate the things that they do. Why?

Because passion is contagious. And it is so important! This is so obvious because people who live without passion (or try to hide or suppress their passion) are unhappy.......because they need to be excited and feel fulfilled.

I am a big believer in following your passion (sorry I keep saying this word but you shoulda seen it coming!) no matter what. Don't worry about money because what good is money if you are unhappy? Love and passion are so much better than anything money can buy.

I trust that God will provide for me wherever I go and in whatever I do. That is why I am not worried about taking this chance to pursue missions work. I want to discover my true passion and where He wants me to be. Because that is where I can be the best servant of Christ that I can be...that is where I can be the best me!


So.....what's your passion?

Observations: Resurrect the Conversation

It being summer and me not having a job yet, I have had some time to just observe the people around me. And I have noticed something that my friend Meaghan brought to my attention just now that has been bothering me:

Our culture has become so impersonal. People communicate via status updates and bulletins and notes, but this seems to be the only way we feel comfortable reaching out to each other.

What happened to the days when people could sit on the front porch and talk for hours about anything and everything?

Not only is this disturbing due to the lack of face-to-face communication, but it also doesn't seem to be working for people. Sure, it's nice to get a thumbs-up from someone when you post about your Dean's List GPA, but what about when you are really hurting and need a shoulder to lean on? I have been home for five days and already I have noticed that so many people around me are hurting for some quality human contact.

Personally, I have a lot of trouble communicating things aloud, (hence why I write so many blogs) but I try not to make excuses to not sit down and talk to people. Sometimes I really hate the movies because they make difficult conversations look so easy to have. You need to tell a friend off about something they've been doing for years that ticks you off? Easy! But that's not real. Real life conversations are hard! And they don't roll off the tongue nicely or always get something accomplished. Sometimes they don't get through...but that's no reason to quit trying.

Plus, it means so much more to make the time to have a real conversation with someone, and be that vulnerable around them, than to log on to Facebook and "like" everyone's statuses. It shows that you really care about them and want to know what is going on in their life.

When is the last time you had a good talk with someone? One that left you feeling like something real was said?

I challenge you to get out there and sit down and have a conversation with someone. It doesn't have to be too serious...you can discuss whether a woodchuck would still be considered a woodchuck if it couldn't chuck wood...or maybe you DO have a serious conversation that needs to happen. Maybe there is something between you and a friend that needs to be cleared up or some feelings that need to be honestly exposed. I promise you it'll be hard to find the words, and it'll be scary to open up in person, but it is SO worth it. You will not regret it.

So get out there and TALK! Resurrect the art of conversation!

Blog-tastic!

It's been a while! I apologize for not writing much, but things have been busy the past few months and I have had a lot on my mind that I felt was better to write about on paper and/or discuss with friends and family.

Today is my first day back at school after Spring Break and I have to admit that I didn't kick it off so well...I had a rough morning finding out that I did much worse on my music theory midterm than I had expected. This class really frustrates me, so this set me off and I lost my temper a bit.

Luckily, my teacher handed them back at the end of class so I mostly just fumed silently on my way back to my dorm and threw it on the floor once I was inside.

Things are better now, though I am finding it much more difficult to concentrate on my schoolwork knowing that I will not be coming back to FSU next semester.

Oh! I forgot that I haven't said anything about that yet! This is what has kept me busy the past few months. Let's see...I guess things really escalated in February when a friend of mine asked me flat out if I was where God wanted me to be.

I hadn't thought that I might not be, but this made me think. And it made me listen, too. See, I'd been having a lot of trouble...I hadn't really felt close to God in a long time and it was really bothering me. And when I stopped to listen I finally felt a little something: I felt God saying, "Katie! Where have you been? Quit wasting time!"

It was like all this time He was trying to get my attention and I kept speaking over him. But now I heard it loud and clear, and I was scared.

This was the beginning of weeks of torturous wrestling between what I was going to do about my future. I have been doing really well here at FSU and I have a bright future here, but I just don't feel that my heart is in it anymore. I do love music and being a music major, but I feel like God is calling me elsewhere. He has given me a passion for missions that has not faded in years and now I am beginning to see that He has something different planned for me.

So I am taking next semester off to find out what that might be. I am applying to work with projects overseas, where I would have the chance to work alongside real M's with the company for 5 months! I'm really excited. I am applying to three projects. Once my application is finished, I will find out within 2 weeks if I have been accepted. I am really excited. And if I don't get accepted to work with them, I have a few things that I am also interested in applying for, so hopefully I will have the chance to work with one of these amazing organizations.

Anywho, I feel guilty writing such long entries, so I will post again later with more. Hope you are having a wonderful day!

How can I stand by You, and not be moved by You?

It's crazy how God can take someone who has been on autopilot so long that they don't remember the last time they really felt something real and totally rock their world.

My world was rocked tonight in a very small, but effective way.

A lot of things hit me at once tonight, and I found myself drenched in so many different emotions. I felt hurt and upset and alone and thankful and loved and blessed beyond belief...all at once.

I moved away from home for the first time this semester and that also means that I moved away from my favorite people in the whole world: my support group. My family.

And I don't just mean my biological family. There are many people in my life who have been there for me in tremendous ways and who I could not have gotten here without. And it hurt me to have them suddenly torn out of my life.

I've really been missing them, and being a "late bloomer", it's taken a toll not having a core group of friends to be with and fellowship with here. Tonight I just broke down because I feel so lost and out of place sometimes, and I long for the time we spent together.

But remembering the time we had made me so thankful and happy. And in those times I saw God working through every high and every low, and I realized that this is where I am meant to be. Even though it sucks and it's one of the hardest things I have had to do, it is time for me to take a leap of faith and be on my own. No support group. Just me.

I need to grow, and this is my chance. And it doesn't mean that my friends will never be in my life again. They never left! We just don't get to see each other as much as we want to.

It's time for me to stand on my own and allow God to be the support that I need.

Poetry is a way of taking life by the throat. -Robert Frost

THE FIRE

Where has it gone, Lord?
This flame so easily burnt up
and blown out?
Now, only a column of smoke wisping
and waving goodbye
as the fear of you slowly fades out
and floats away...

Where is the flame, Lord?
The playful light dancing its reflection in glistening eyeballs?
Now it dulls and once-widened eyelids
fall into dismal boredom
as the embers turn to gray...

Where is the fire, Lord?
That raging force which
once ignited in me such
ardent intensity?
Now I am cool and
comfortable and
numb
and longing for the fire.

Where is the fire?